The Truth

I want to be clear on how I'm doing. Depending on who you are, this may be difficult for you to read.

I am sick. I suffer from postpartum anxiety and depression. It started as antenatal anxiety and depression in September of 2010. I tried to do all I could to manage it myself: getting out more, doing more at home, taking days to myself, praying lots and lots. At first I wasn't willing to admit that depression was my problem. I was just "having a grumpy day", or "I don't know why I'm upset, I'm sorry." After our baby was born I had a brief period of relief from my symptoms (which included rage, irritability, sleep loss, panic attacks, exhaustion, and others) and I felt like maybe it was just pregnancy, or maybe adjusting to our move across the country. I felt like I was better.

This summer I started having lot's of "grumpy days" again. Then they got worse- I was yelling and screaming at my family. I felt distant from them. I was constantly irritated by them- particularly my husband and older son- I felt like the baby was the only one who loved me, and he only loved me for my breast milk. I became unable to make minor decisions. I had a full blown panic attack at Costco. I stopped going to events that I used to like and look forward to. I investigated taking a long holiday without my family, and without telling them.  I had the urge to harm my toddler (I never did).  I felt like the worst mother in the universe- who thinks of those things? Only someone who's awful (those were my thoughts, I know now that I am not awful, just ill). So I concluded that in order to save my family from the bad mother I was being and bad wife I had become I should jump off a bridge. I reasoned myself out of it, but the thoughts were very real and very scary. This wasn't me and it wasn't who I wanted to be. I came to the conclusion that if I didn't kick this depression (as I now realized it was) in the butt, it would sooner or later kick me in the butt. And I couldn't do that to my family.  I want to mention that this wasn't simply finding two children harder than one- I actually didn't find the mothering aspect as difficult as other mothers of two children, or as other mothers with PPD. It was my day to day life and decisions that I found debilitating. I know mothering is part of my day to day life, but it wasn't as simple as just being hard to be a mom.

So my husband took me to the doctor (I confessed everything to him when he returned home that day). And now I'm being medicated for my obvious chemical imbalance. I am beginning to feel normal- I do not feel as overwhelmed with day to day life. I am not as intensely upset, and rarely over seemingly little issues. I can get out of bed. I see the love my family has for me. I have had zero thoughts of harming myself or others since the day I considered my own death. I am enjoying both of my children and look forward to spending time with them. Things are going much better for me mentally.

I know this is a lot to take in. I want to say that it has been VERY difficult for me to talk to anyone about this as I feel like there is a lot of judgement for those who suffer from mental illness. I am not a failure, I am not crazy, I am sick. This has taken me a long time to realize myself so I understand if it takes others a while also. I also felt like I wasn't a good enough Christian. I felt like I wasn't close enough to God so maybe that's why this was happening to me- but the closer to God I got- the sicker I got. I now realize that while God does heal individuals of depression, he also created man to invent medications to help those who are struggling. Some people are healed from disease, others are not- whether or not you are one of the healed is not an indicator of the strength of your faith, or the amount of prayers on your behalf.  There are even examples of Biblical heroes that struggled with thoughts and feelings similar to my own- King David lamented in many psalms, and wrote of the "Valley of the shadow of death"; Elijah was so despaired he wanted God to take his life and Job went through terrible ordeals which lead him to depths of sorrow. I am beginning to be grateful for this ordeal as it has unified my marriage in a way I never knew it could, it has given me a deeper appreciation for my family and for other mothers (particularly those who struggle) and it has most definitely brought me closer to my Creator.

I have a follow up appointment with my doctor on the 26th and we will discuss then how long I will be needing the medication, and hopefully getting a referral for counselling. I also want to be clear in stating that suffering from antenatal/postpartum depression does NOT mean I cannot have more children- I will just have to be on the look out for the signs of depression. Now that I know that, perhaps I will be (or Rob will be on my behalf) more proactive the next time around, if there is one.

If you'd like to speak with me more please bring it up with me, as I am not feeling strong enough to bring it up myself. You may also send me an email at rklaprairie@gmail.com. Thank you for reading. If you'd to follow my journey through this sickness, you can follow me at my personal blog: www.kobrim.blogspot.com .